It was one of these warm summer nights that I had spent with a dear male friend of mine. I was coming back to my place by bike. The breeze was gently sliding on my legs and my face, it was so cozy.
Yet, I felt dissatisfied.
And oh boy, I can tell you that I know too well this very feeling.
But how possible was it popping up again now?
Indeed, I had spent my last night with a girl I had just met, and I still had juicy and gentle memories in me about the nice time we had spent together.
I had a date with another girl scheduled a couple of days ahead, someone I was really looking forward to seeing again.
I had just taken the phone number of a girl I really liked by cold approaching her in the street.
I had received a lovely text from one of my regular long distance lovers, which made me feel loving and happy.
And yet, “I” felt dissatisfied.
I had been hanging out hunting women in the streets that night.
And despite all these hot attractive women dressed up in short skirts around, I was bicycling alone to my place, and towards a solitary night.
“I” wanted to meet another girl.
“I” wanted more.
“I” wanted it all for God’s sake.
“I wanted”. “I wanted”.
This greediness never fucking stops.
And it reminded me of an interesting experience I had during an Ayahuasca ceremony.
It started with a gentle body feeling that was slowly moving around. I didn’t know what it was, nor from where it was coming from. It grew bigger in my body. It became very vivid. Moving slightly faster. Its texture changed to something thicker and warmer. And it became SO bright and luminous, like some gentle lava going through my body. And Oh my, it turned out to be strong sexual energies emanating all over the place! It was SO juicy. It was SO yummy. I was so grateful for consciously watching what was happening in my body, I had never felt such strong feelings within. Maybe the Ayahuasca’s goddess was finally showing me what it felt to experience full body dry orgasms, something I had been trying to experience for a while.
But instead of continuing actively watching my juicy feelings, I started to tell myself.
Yeah, that’s exactly what “I want”.
“I” want to fuck more.
“I” want all the pussies.
“I” deserve it.
And at this very moment, everything disappeared instantly.
Punished by the goddess. For being too greedy I would guess.
My “I” here is a manifestation of my unbalanced Ego, one of his shadows.
Not the part of me who needs, the part of me who wants.
Who wants more. Who wants it all.
Sometimes, even delusions of grandeur doesn’t stop my shadowy ego. Its dark gluttony can be ferocious.
But there are more “I”s in me.
Some of them are much closer to the man I want to be. The man I ought to be.
And at a deeper level, I know that constantly filling up my life with more and more external stuff and achievements is not fulfilling. It is an illusion from my unbalanced ego.
I know it. From within.
But yet, I was still feeling dissatisfied.
So I had to check-in with myself.
Why was I still feeling dissatisfaction, knowing at the same time it was illusory?
Would it be possible that deeper insights could be grasped from this inner dissatisfaction of mine?
And from where could be coming my ego attachment for “getting all the pussies”?
But first and foremost, I needed to come back to love.
Indeed, when I want to go deeper, love is needed to foster self-compassion and openness. I need to trust and tap into my inner feminine for diving into this self-inquiry.
Even though I know that what I had experienced is a manifestation of one of the dark sides of my ego (and not to mention the strong biological motives at play behind the scenes for passing on my genes as well), there is no way I would beat myself up for such feelings.
They are part of who I am.
If I repress them by brute-force will power, my psyche gets even more unbalanced on the long run. I first need to acknowledge my attachment to be willing to get all the pussies, to own and take responsibility for my experience.
But does it mean I have to believe that these thoughts and emotions are actually aligned with my deeper inner truths, and that I need to act on them?
Not at all.
The thing is, one has to consider from which level of consciousness inputs are interpreted and processed. In another article (here), I introduced the transformation of the human psyche from an Ego-based consciousness to a Self-based consciousness.
When functioning from an Ego-based consciousness, I interpret my willing to “get all the pussies” literally. And of course, not reaching what “I want” makes me dissatisfied from this perspective.
However, from a Self-based consciousness, I believe that my willingness to “get it all” (and it might not be only about pussies by the way, but also about money, fame, status, or external validation) is actually a manifestation of a deeper inner longing of mine to reach wholeness of my being, and potentially towards unity with all things.
And this is meaningful.
The path towards self-realization, towards integration, towards fullness of my being.
And I already have it all in myself. From within. I can feel it.
I feel I am currently on the right path to finally know it.
At some level, my ego might believe that I can reach fulfilment by following his intentions.
But my core, deeper self, knows that it doesn’t work that way. That it’s bullshit. That I will never feel fulfilled by getting more and more stuff from the outer, physical world. Because the universe is much bigger than our physical reality, and I am much bigger than my own ego.
So I need to acknowledge my inner world as well.
I have to listen to my deep longings for wholeness. And that’s something meaningful at that stage of my journey.
My ego is one of my dear friends.
I love my ego.
I know that sometimes he overreacts, he gets stuck in manic thoughts of grandeur, he thinks that I can change the outer world only with my will power. That I can control everything in this physical world.
Yes, my ego is sometimes unbalanced, sometimes a bit adrift when the light of my deeper consciousness is missing, letting him operating from the shadows of my psyche.
Yet, my ego is an amazing asset of my consciousness.
He transforms chaos into order.
It’s just that sometimes, he simply interprets deep unconscious inner longings of mine via his too narrow, too specialized, perspective.
And that’s at these very moments that I need to check-in with my deeper Self.
Check-in what are the deeper longings being manifested.
And from this deeper perspective, finally get new insights. Adjust the center of gravity of my psyche.
The unbalanced manifestations of my ego become an entry point towards my Self, towards deeper consciousness.
Towards deeper understandings of the human psyche.
The struggles and shadows of human existence. The insights and light of human existence.
It is all one.
And there is always something to learn by going deeper into self-inquiry and self-knowledge.
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