It was the end of a summer afternoon in a gorgeous sunny day.
I was sitting on a bench in a park, it was crowded. Not so far away was a big group who was celebrating their friend’s birthday.
I was looking at them, they were all from Middle East. I noticed that one of the girls was checking me out. She was quite far though, around 20 meters. But when she looked at me a second time with some more attention, I thought it might have been a clear sign of interest. And she was cute.
When a girl you like sends you such signals, it is hard not to take the opportunity to go and talk to her.
But the situation for a direct cold approach was tricky. She was surrounded by all her friends, maybe around 25 persons, a big group. She was constantly talking to 4/5 persons at a time. Kind of hard to infiltrate since it might turn out awkward if you don’t go full-blown warrior by acknowledging politely and with strong masculine intent all her conversation partners first, before trying to isolate her for a proper face-to-face conversation. And you don’t want your warrior to go kamikaze.
Not to mention that she was completely surrounded by her Middle East friends. So thinking about my Caucasian self trying to get her might have looked from my primitive limbic brain like attacking a hostile tribe to steal one of their women. And with all the aggressive males around ready to kill for preserving their resources.
Of course, I wouldn’t be attacking my prey with a prehistoric club here, but with my big balls.
Still, I was scared.
So, after some proper evaluation of what was at stake here, and considering that it takes a lot of energy to take such a social risk, that I was tired, and on my own, I decided not to launch any attack, and let go the cute, interested, girl. For this time.
I moved on, and felt reassured that I had thought about everything I could to potentially do my work. And without any guilt, I could finally relax, come back to my cozy comfort zone, and continue my contemplation of the crowd from my bench.
But only 10 mins of comfy inner bliss passed when my peripheral vision automatically detected some out-of-the-blue and strange behavioral patterns in the neighboring tribe.
The cute girl was coming closer to my spot with one of her girlfriends!
They stopped a dozen meters from my bench, and a bit far away from the rest of their group.
Oh my. Why was this happening now?
I had already taken my decision not to attempt anything, and had long forgotten about the cute girl. But she had to pop up straight into my awareness again, and took all of my attention since a complete new situation had now to be evaluated. What were they doing, was it an attempt from her to come closer to me, I thought?
They started taking selfies from their new spot.
I thought it was a perfect opportunity to make my move. They were just the two of them, isolated from the rest of the group by themselves.
And I knew that their position was very temporary.
The clock was ticking hard. I had to take a very quick decision. I felt the strong inner resistance not to do my work. I knew that it was now or never, that the time window was only several seconds more to make my move.
I knew that if I would start seeing them coming back to their group, this peak of anxiety and fear that I was experiencing in my body would almost suddenly disappear, and that I would feel good again, and relieved for not taking the risk.
But I also knew that the payoff for my short-term inner comfort would inevitably backfire with the hard price of remorse and guilt.
The remorse of not having tried my best. Especially considering that she might have showed explicit interest in me, that I liked her, and icing on the cake, she had maybe initiated a move with the intention to give me a chance to approach her?
I couldn’t afford to stay glued on my bench by inaction.
I stood up, and started slowly and confidently to walk towards them.
I knew exactly what to do.
I cold approach them, and said: “Hey guys, I am aware that you are celebrating something with your friends (I am now making strong eye contact with the girl), but I was looking at you, and I think you’re charming, so I wanted to come, and say hi”.
It was a genuine and strong delivery. No bullshit. Very masculine. Slow, deep, and constant tone of voice. Direct intent, straightforward, powerful, and to the point. With strong eye contact.
It kind of surprised her girlfriend, since she started to walk backwards with a big smile and a funny face which seemed to say: “Oh oh, this man means business, I gonna leave you two alone for some juicy chat!”.
The hardest part of the work was done.
We were now both standing face-to-face from a close distance, about 10 meters from the rest of the group. She had beautiful eyes shining in the late afternoon sun, and was looking at me. I had all her attention. The floor was all mine.
And I did my job, the talking that follows such a cold approach.
It was fine. But quite quickly, I noticed that she was not super interested. While still not fully recovered from my bold opening, I had now to deal with another issue. Maybe I had finally made a mistake by thinking she was interested in me. She didn’t really show it now. With experience, it’s easy to spot signs of disinterest early on in the interaction. She was now simply being socially polite with me, which was not good.
Rejection seemed imminent.
I got a bit more scared by the situation I put myself into. But it was not an option to run away. It was not negotiable considering all the efforts I had already put until that point. I had to continue doing my work, and get an explicit indication of disinterest from her. I needed to be absolutely sure.
I felt uncomfortable and quite vulnerable. My legs were slightly shaking from within. But I had to keep my voice clear, slow, and directed. I had to keep my body still and straight, shoulders open. My eye contact.
Picture a duck looking super calm on water, but paddling like crazy below the surface.
And I had to deal with another event.
She started to smile when looking at her friends who were all behind my back.
I consciously didn’t acknowledge them, since it was out of question that I let them frame control me, so I kept my eye contact on her, and ask her what was happening in my back. Turned out they were making fun of our situation in some way, she told me.
I used what she said to turn things around and force her to talk about herself instead, in order to disqualify her friends’ attempt to get her attention.
The pressure was harder for me to handle at that point though.
But I had to stay rock-solid, and I continued to deliver.
Being in such a situation, and consciously sustaining an external appearance of relaxed state when some fear is burning from within is a bit like putting your body in ice-cold water: all my cells seem to scream at me and telling me to run away from this imminent threat of rejection. And this feeling can be stronger when a group is “working against you”.
But I also got to learn that avoiding short term gratification for security and comfort is the only way for growth. Towards mature masculinity, integration of Self, implementation of deeper purpose.
The way of the samurai.
After a while though, I felt I had to close the interaction because it was not really leading on any solid grounds unfortunately. But I remained a bit unsure of her position. So, I finally asked for her phone number and told her I wanted to take her out on a date.
She rejected my proposal.
With no hesitation whatsoever.
I was not surprised, since it finally confirmed what I had felt since the beginning of our interaction.
But now, I had a clear answer, a clear outcome that justified the whole unfolding of the events.
I said it was worth asking though, and told her to have a great life.
The whole approach was beautiful.
It was necessary.
That’s the way of the warrior: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Since in such a context indeed, a clear and painful ‘no’ is far much better than dealing with the longer term suffering of not trying, and not knowing.
I came back on my bench, and continued my contemplation of the crowd.
I moved on.
What about you then?
And you man, would you be interested to make such bold moves at will as well?
I can tell you that it is feasible. And that you can even learn how to do it by yourself.
Yes indeed, if a nice guy like I was (who was scared to death about being rejected by women, and about explicitly showing my sexual attraction in them) can do such moves consistently, then you can do it as well, that’s for sure.
But so you know, depending on where you are on your own journey, it will certainly require you a bit of neurotic obsession to get there. A strong motivation and commitment to better yourself on the long run, and face your inner demons. Tremendous amount of practice. And at least for the most sensitive of us, an acceptance of the heavy emotional roller-coaster it will put you on, with sometimes intense feelings of doubts that you might be on the wrong path.
Despite all that, it will require you to trust the process.
It might be the price for becoming the man you ought to be.